i think it's part of the settling in process that you miss everything you were doing in your previous life.
even the simple swing of a golf club seems ages away now.
am i complaining? yeah, but knowing my priorities, it'll just be empty noises.
nonetheless, i need to make some noise, so as to keep sane. i miss golf so much that if this were campus, i'd be skipping a whole day of class just to play. but work isn't like that.
i miss the sweet scent of grass covered in the morning dew and walking down the fairway(if i manage to get the ball there), or even scouring through the thick bushes to find my wayward shots.
i am not at all a good player. i've hardly improved in the 9 years i've been playing. but my love for the game has never diminished. it just had to take a back seat, hence, improvement was always stunted.
my plans to drive round the peninsula have also not materialised. it's bloody annoying. i'd like to trawl through the place, go at my own pace, eat delicious local food, take nice pictures.
life used to be about waking up at 10 in the morning, surf the net, play my games, lunch, driving range in the evenings, dinner, then tv or web, whichever was more appealing at the time. owh, and a round of golf on sundays.
that was my previous life. current priorities dictate that the previous lifestyle can no longer be practiced. so my dear golf clubs, please have some patience until i'm settled enough to make time for you guys again. i miss you too.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Saturday, 3 December 2011
deja vu
when i should be writing stories for berita JeTS, i'm sitting in the office talking to you. the classroom sessions have ended, we're all on attachments now and dearly missing each other.
it's been a week now, and that deep sense of deja vu i felt upon entering this place has shown no signs of letting up. its like being back in boarding school, only they're more mature, which makes things slightly more bearable.
nonetheless, scars like that never really go away and it is absolutely tugging at my heartstrings that i am feeling this again.
my two years at boarding school were not much fun as i struggled with the 'malay'-ness of the place. in all honesty, how i managed to stomach those two years still astounds me. it wasn't, by any means, a bad place. but i found it very difficult to fit in.
cliche as this may sound, i am very used to an english speaking environment where i mix with all sorts of people, not ONLY malays. throw me into a melting pot of malay people with the majority of them not sharing the same capacity to mix with other kinds of people, i stick out like a sore thumb because i don't get along with them at the level that i'm comfortable with. this isn't about a lower or higher level, but rather it's a clash of worlds.
this place gives me strong feelings like what i felt all those years ago. i sorely want to be back at the other place, not because i think the feelings will be different, but because i will automatically be more at ease simply because things are conducted in english.
you can tell me to my face that i have no malay pride. i assure you that i can't be bothered to acknowledge what you think. i am half chinese! the chinese can accuse me of the exact same thing and i will tell them the same! im more interested in MALAYSIAN pride, which i have by the bucket loads. because, my DNA isn't malay, it isn't chinese. it's purely MALAYSIAN. that's exactly what i am.
and i intend to write as a MALAYSIAN, in English, as that is what i am most comfortable doing.
it's been a week now, and that deep sense of deja vu i felt upon entering this place has shown no signs of letting up. its like being back in boarding school, only they're more mature, which makes things slightly more bearable.
nonetheless, scars like that never really go away and it is absolutely tugging at my heartstrings that i am feeling this again.
my two years at boarding school were not much fun as i struggled with the 'malay'-ness of the place. in all honesty, how i managed to stomach those two years still astounds me. it wasn't, by any means, a bad place. but i found it very difficult to fit in.
cliche as this may sound, i am very used to an english speaking environment where i mix with all sorts of people, not ONLY malays. throw me into a melting pot of malay people with the majority of them not sharing the same capacity to mix with other kinds of people, i stick out like a sore thumb because i don't get along with them at the level that i'm comfortable with. this isn't about a lower or higher level, but rather it's a clash of worlds.
this place gives me strong feelings like what i felt all those years ago. i sorely want to be back at the other place, not because i think the feelings will be different, but because i will automatically be more at ease simply because things are conducted in english.
you can tell me to my face that i have no malay pride. i assure you that i can't be bothered to acknowledge what you think. i am half chinese! the chinese can accuse me of the exact same thing and i will tell them the same! im more interested in MALAYSIAN pride, which i have by the bucket loads. because, my DNA isn't malay, it isn't chinese. it's purely MALAYSIAN. that's exactly what i am.
and i intend to write as a MALAYSIAN, in English, as that is what i am most comfortable doing.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Journalism
it has been a whirlwind four months since i last said hello here. there was no time to blog while i was working at the legalization office, no time to blog during raya, no time to blog as since my move to KL, and no time to blog since i started training. until NOW, since there's a bit of a lull in training and i have some time to burn.
it has been a huge learning curve since i started journalism training. writing news for print and broadcast are similar, but not the same. the flow is similar, but the process is different. i have so much to learn and thankfully i am enjoying myself very much now that i am doing something that i have always harboured an interest in. there are tough decisions to make, friends to make and bullies to encounter.
i hope it won't be too long till i make an appearance here again. there'll be loads of stories to tell =) see you soon!
it has been a huge learning curve since i started journalism training. writing news for print and broadcast are similar, but not the same. the flow is similar, but the process is different. i have so much to learn and thankfully i am enjoying myself very much now that i am doing something that i have always harboured an interest in. there are tough decisions to make, friends to make and bullies to encounter.
i hope it won't be too long till i make an appearance here again. there'll be loads of stories to tell =) see you soon!
Sunday, 24 July 2011
LDR
fuck Long Distance Relationships. there's something about kilometres and miles that just fucks a relationship up in a way that no other thing can. your doubts, worries, suspicions, and overall negative vibes just increase tenfold when you're far away from each other. my first real relationship broke down EXACTLY because of distance. but it wasn't painful because she was a bitch anyway. now it's threatening to throw another one down the drain. the only problem is, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS ONE. i will be the first to plead guilty to all the negativity surrounding myself, but in my defence, i believe i have handled it with as much maturity and level-headedness as i could muster.
the whole idea of being together is to share whatever you think is worth sharing between the both of you. distance takes away a BIG motherfuckin chunk out of that. so all that you have left are technology's wonderful gifts of communication, and a WHOLE lot of motherfuckin TRUST. trust that you're honest to each other. trust that you're going to survive the distance. trust that you trust each other and your own selves to make it work. but negativity spreads out through your soul like a poison coursing through a condemned man's veins on death row. one fine day it'll just blow up in your face like the condemned of old who had to sit on the electric chair(sorry, i'm thinking green mile as i type this).
i'm going to fight this with all i've got. this relationship is too MUCH young to be written off just like that. and i don't see it in myself to let it go AT ALL. my sayang ain't my enemy, the blithering thing called DISTANCE is. it's OUR enemy. and we face it TOGETHER. not by fighting each other while it laughs at us like we're on celebrity deathmatch. no, i REFUSE to let distance come in the way of this. i REFUSE to give in to the destructive narcotics of negativity. i absolutely REFUSE to entertain the possibility of us ending. if you're thinking i'm desperate, dramatic, and off my rocker, fuck you. you're not the one in love with her. I AM.
We can fuss and we can fight, as long as everything's all right between us, before we go to sleep. -NeYo.
the whole idea of being together is to share whatever you think is worth sharing between the both of you. distance takes away a BIG motherfuckin chunk out of that. so all that you have left are technology's wonderful gifts of communication, and a WHOLE lot of motherfuckin TRUST. trust that you're honest to each other. trust that you're going to survive the distance. trust that you trust each other and your own selves to make it work. but negativity spreads out through your soul like a poison coursing through a condemned man's veins on death row. one fine day it'll just blow up in your face like the condemned of old who had to sit on the electric chair(sorry, i'm thinking green mile as i type this).
i'm going to fight this with all i've got. this relationship is too MUCH young to be written off just like that. and i don't see it in myself to let it go AT ALL. my sayang ain't my enemy, the blithering thing called DISTANCE is. it's OUR enemy. and we face it TOGETHER. not by fighting each other while it laughs at us like we're on celebrity deathmatch. no, i REFUSE to let distance come in the way of this. i REFUSE to give in to the destructive narcotics of negativity. i absolutely REFUSE to entertain the possibility of us ending. if you're thinking i'm desperate, dramatic, and off my rocker, fuck you. you're not the one in love with her. I AM.
We can fuss and we can fight, as long as everything's all right between us, before we go to sleep. -NeYo.
Friday, 22 July 2011
it's a working man's world...
i just recently started my temporary job with one of dad's old associates... apparently, he thinks me, a decomposing brain struggling to manage it's own wants and needs, fit enough to assist him in managing his office that deals with foreign workers. i went up with dad to see what i was in for just to give dad some face. i wasn't too keen on getting any job at the time simply because i was too busy trying to by a lazy arse. dad had apparently called up some friends to see if there were openings where i could be slotted in. and though i wanted to be lazy and useless, the truth was, i knew something was gonna come soon when dad made those calls.
so, in hindsight, im thankful to dad for dragging me outta this lazy rut. it was unproductive for me, and expensive for him and mom to have to keep passing me some dough so i can pass my time. therefore, due to my reluctance to find a permanent job until AFTER melbourne, a temporary job sounds like the best thing to do. it hasn't been anything like what i initially expected it to be at all. when dad's friend(let's call him Tongzi) told me that i'll be running the show, i expected it to be a nervous introduction to more experienced colleagues at the office and that i'll be taking over his place, like in a supervisory role.
as it turned out, it's ALL NEW. the office was EMPTY, without any furniture. i was supposed to set it ALL up according to his wants and add in where i deemed necessary. i was MINDFUCKED. i've never done any of this EVER in my life! being the spoilt brat that i am, everything's almost ALWAYS prepared for me. holymotherof*&(*#&$)(*)%(*...... *sighhh* but nevertheless, i'm very thankful for the fact that Tongzi is VERY helpful, although it's quite hard to grasp his instructions. i've needed him to explain his instructions at least twice EVERY time so far. i need to improve my listening because that old bloke aint going to improve his speaking. i'm also grateful that he's been very patient with me. on top of all that, dad's been willing to spend his time helping me out as well. being the old custodian, whatever that's mindfucking my head seems like child's play to him... albeit he's a little rusty from all the years of inactivity, but he's still sharp, quick and decisive, which is uberimportant and has been able to make my life much easier. not because he's saving my ass(eventhough he technically is), but he's showing and guiding me to do the right things. i have GOT to get him something great for his birthday next year. *MENTAL NOTE*
so in terms of that, it's all beginning to take shape, and hopefully, we won't crumble under the weight of all those aliens coming to legalize their presence in our country. in other developments, i managed to squeeze away from this foreign worker business for a day to attend an audition to read the news for a newly formed channel!! a big thumbs up to elfie for giving me the heads up, and a big, big gesture of gratitude to dad who helped things out so that i could escape work for a day and show up at the audition as required. gathering enough gall, i think i made enough of an impression to show them that i am a fresh graduate who's full of opinions that really don't matter because they're just opinion born from hazy and sometimes half-told story of other sources. but those sources come aplenty, therefore fueling opinions, ideas and thoughts which may be spot on, or worse, are absolute tosh. after asking me for my 2 cents worth, they asked me to read texts to a camera. having done it before, this wasn't awkward at all. but somehow, i was stuttering more than usual and this was really beginning to annoy me, in private of course. the first text was in malay, to which i HOPE i sounded malay enough. with the english text, i immediately felt more at home, but i was still super rusty. thankfully, the cameraguy who was elfie's friend said i got positive feedback, and my willingness to start from bottom sorta appealed to the two fine ladies running the audition. fingers CROSSED. no. TWISTED! please call me for the second round. even if you don't get much talent, i can assure you you're getting a hardworking and dedicated employee. aminn.
Sure it's a big job; but I don't know anyone who can do it better than I can. John F. Kennedy
so, in hindsight, im thankful to dad for dragging me outta this lazy rut. it was unproductive for me, and expensive for him and mom to have to keep passing me some dough so i can pass my time. therefore, due to my reluctance to find a permanent job until AFTER melbourne, a temporary job sounds like the best thing to do. it hasn't been anything like what i initially expected it to be at all. when dad's friend(let's call him Tongzi) told me that i'll be running the show, i expected it to be a nervous introduction to more experienced colleagues at the office and that i'll be taking over his place, like in a supervisory role.
as it turned out, it's ALL NEW. the office was EMPTY, without any furniture. i was supposed to set it ALL up according to his wants and add in where i deemed necessary. i was MINDFUCKED. i've never done any of this EVER in my life! being the spoilt brat that i am, everything's almost ALWAYS prepared for me. holymotherof*&(*#&$)(*)%(*...... *sighhh* but nevertheless, i'm very thankful for the fact that Tongzi is VERY helpful, although it's quite hard to grasp his instructions. i've needed him to explain his instructions at least twice EVERY time so far. i need to improve my listening because that old bloke aint going to improve his speaking. i'm also grateful that he's been very patient with me. on top of all that, dad's been willing to spend his time helping me out as well. being the old custodian, whatever that's mindfucking my head seems like child's play to him... albeit he's a little rusty from all the years of inactivity, but he's still sharp, quick and decisive, which is uberimportant and has been able to make my life much easier. not because he's saving my ass(eventhough he technically is), but he's showing and guiding me to do the right things. i have GOT to get him something great for his birthday next year. *MENTAL NOTE*
so in terms of that, it's all beginning to take shape, and hopefully, we won't crumble under the weight of all those aliens coming to legalize their presence in our country. in other developments, i managed to squeeze away from this foreign worker business for a day to attend an audition to read the news for a newly formed channel!! a big thumbs up to elfie for giving me the heads up, and a big, big gesture of gratitude to dad who helped things out so that i could escape work for a day and show up at the audition as required. gathering enough gall, i think i made enough of an impression to show them that i am a fresh graduate who's full of opinions that really don't matter because they're just opinion born from hazy and sometimes half-told story of other sources. but those sources come aplenty, therefore fueling opinions, ideas and thoughts which may be spot on, or worse, are absolute tosh. after asking me for my 2 cents worth, they asked me to read texts to a camera. having done it before, this wasn't awkward at all. but somehow, i was stuttering more than usual and this was really beginning to annoy me, in private of course. the first text was in malay, to which i HOPE i sounded malay enough. with the english text, i immediately felt more at home, but i was still super rusty. thankfully, the cameraguy who was elfie's friend said i got positive feedback, and my willingness to start from bottom sorta appealed to the two fine ladies running the audition. fingers CROSSED. no. TWISTED! please call me for the second round. even if you don't get much talent, i can assure you you're getting a hardworking and dedicated employee. aminn.
Sure it's a big job; but I don't know anyone who can do it better than I can. John F. Kennedy
Thursday, 7 July 2011
south or central?
it's a question that has grown like a plague in my head for a VERY long time now. will i fill my rice bowl here in JB or take a shot at what KL has to offer? the equation on the surface is really simple. KL wins hands down. why? it's where ALL the action IS!!! action = opportunities = money!! now comes the complication, or rather the other considerations. if money was the only issue, i'd be in KL by now. but there are responsibilities i must not ignore in the pursuit of monetary gain. there are things to sort out here in JB. plus i've been away from home for SUCH a long time. JB's no more the place that was my playground anymore. it's become more of a holiday destination than a home. and i don't want to lose that feeling. JB IS HOME. also, it'll be great to finally spend quality time with me old folks and family in general than confining these moments to always-too-short holidays.
therefore, after much consideration and tugs of war... i'll start working life in JB based on TWO main bases. FIRSTLY, it's the cheaper option. working in JB and living at home will cut down a LOT of cost. KL will not give me that luxury and the cost of living will simply blow my mind. SECONDLY, i get to somewhat act as a calming influence to the people who need it at home. Mum's just retired, Dad's still trying his luck, Ah Ma's at home, Mak's her usual self... so, i believe that i SHOULD be here for the people who WILL need me to be here for whatever reason that may be. FAMILY COMES FIRST. but this doesn't mean that i will totally blow the hope of goin to KL. that will be done somewhere down the road once i've established a stable base. ESPECIALLY, financially. only then can i even hope of taking on KL. gimme 1-2 years. i would have some valuable beginner's experience by then, PLUS some savings. another small plus point of starting in JB is the fact that i'll be able to train my golf properly on home turf. it's been on and off for so bloody long that, at times, i really felt like giving the game up. not for lack of talent, but for lack of improvement due to lack of time for practice! i KNOW i can shoot low for this game. i KNOW i can. but i need the opportunity to train properly and that hasn't presented itself to me at ALL in the last half a decade because of my studies. so, GOLF ALL THE WAY!!!
I've said earlier that i felt that this year would be a big one for me. if my results are true as was relayed to me by my lecturer, then this year WILL be big. GRADUATION!!! a closing chapter on the years of education. and an opening to put all those years of learning to good use. whether or not it's what i learned academically or otherwise, remains very blurry though. nevertheless, it's that time to move on again. it's not a small step to learning something. it's the biggest step ever. the application of what we have learned. or maybe it's learning to apply what we've learned. maybe it's both. we may find that all that we've learned was useless. we may also find that all that we've learned was truly useful. but it doesn't blind the fact that the step forward must be made. for better or for worse, only time will tell, but staying put will never get us anywhere will it?
let the reader ponder this:
March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path. - Khalil Gibran. let's go Ayie! *leaps*
therefore, after much consideration and tugs of war... i'll start working life in JB based on TWO main bases. FIRSTLY, it's the cheaper option. working in JB and living at home will cut down a LOT of cost. KL will not give me that luxury and the cost of living will simply blow my mind. SECONDLY, i get to somewhat act as a calming influence to the people who need it at home. Mum's just retired, Dad's still trying his luck, Ah Ma's at home, Mak's her usual self... so, i believe that i SHOULD be here for the people who WILL need me to be here for whatever reason that may be. FAMILY COMES FIRST. but this doesn't mean that i will totally blow the hope of goin to KL. that will be done somewhere down the road once i've established a stable base. ESPECIALLY, financially. only then can i even hope of taking on KL. gimme 1-2 years. i would have some valuable beginner's experience by then, PLUS some savings. another small plus point of starting in JB is the fact that i'll be able to train my golf properly on home turf. it's been on and off for so bloody long that, at times, i really felt like giving the game up. not for lack of talent, but for lack of improvement due to lack of time for practice! i KNOW i can shoot low for this game. i KNOW i can. but i need the opportunity to train properly and that hasn't presented itself to me at ALL in the last half a decade because of my studies. so, GOLF ALL THE WAY!!!
I've said earlier that i felt that this year would be a big one for me. if my results are true as was relayed to me by my lecturer, then this year WILL be big. GRADUATION!!! a closing chapter on the years of education. and an opening to put all those years of learning to good use. whether or not it's what i learned academically or otherwise, remains very blurry though. nevertheless, it's that time to move on again. it's not a small step to learning something. it's the biggest step ever. the application of what we have learned. or maybe it's learning to apply what we've learned. maybe it's both. we may find that all that we've learned was useless. we may also find that all that we've learned was truly useful. but it doesn't blind the fact that the step forward must be made. for better or for worse, only time will tell, but staying put will never get us anywhere will it?
let the reader ponder this:
March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path. - Khalil Gibran. let's go Ayie! *leaps*
Friday, 27 May 2011
one of them days....
just when you're ready to rumble with some newly found cash... TWO bills come to the house with YOUR name on it... bloody helll... luckily i only have to pay ONE... it's a damn summons for going only 16km/h above the legal highway speed limit... WTH?! fine me all you want if i went over 160km/h... but for only 126km/h? FUCK MY LIFE... the best bit is I WASN'T THE DRIVER.
other than having to splash the cash on things i'd rather NOT be spending on... it's been a good week. unproductive as usual because i have yet to start my paper. but tis a week of celebration as mummy retires from teaching and brings down the curtain on 33 years of selfless service to broadening the minds of the young. i couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic myself. i'm a member of the pioneer batch of students at the school and at the time, the school was as empty and undecorated as you can imagine it to be. over 6 years of primary education, i watched my mum rise through the ranks from a normal teacher in the staff room, to a member of the administration as the head of co-curriculum. after i left in 2000, she became the head of student's affairs and finally last year, she went up another rung to be head of curriculum. 17 years she was at the place. 33 years in total. only eye-witnesses can truly appreciate the commitment and dedication she has shown to her job. god bless you mama. happy retirement. but please don't turn the house into a school too aite? =P i love you mumsy. happy retirement, and happy birthday!
other than having to splash the cash on things i'd rather NOT be spending on... it's been a good week. unproductive as usual because i have yet to start my paper. but tis a week of celebration as mummy retires from teaching and brings down the curtain on 33 years of selfless service to broadening the minds of the young. i couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic myself. i'm a member of the pioneer batch of students at the school and at the time, the school was as empty and undecorated as you can imagine it to be. over 6 years of primary education, i watched my mum rise through the ranks from a normal teacher in the staff room, to a member of the administration as the head of co-curriculum. after i left in 2000, she became the head of student's affairs and finally last year, she went up another rung to be head of curriculum. 17 years she was at the place. 33 years in total. only eye-witnesses can truly appreciate the commitment and dedication she has shown to her job. god bless you mama. happy retirement. but please don't turn the house into a school too aite? =P i love you mumsy. happy retirement, and happy birthday!
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
oh my gawd...
it has been exactly TWO MONTHS since my last posting... holy mother of *@(#&(*$&(#*((((***&&... that's also EXACTLY how busy i have been, save the last 2 weeks or so which i took full advantage of to be the LAZIEST, MOST USELESS, AND UNPRODUCTIVE homo sapien the world has to offer. i felt that i deserved that 14 days of blissful ignorance, emptiness and shutdown. YOU try sucking up to a WHOLE community of people for FOUR months and see if that doesn't sap your soul. not that my experience in Damansara was a totally hellatious one, but just try and see my point here.
you're the head of a group of trainees from an institution that's pretty much regarded as 2nd class in the eyes of the majority of people who KNOW that the place exists. i DARE say that the even BIGGER population have never actually known of the place's existence until they're TOLD about it. "Where are you studying then? MAKTAB? UPM? UiTM?" and i meekly reply "******"... the response: "*thinking, rearrange face to look like they know, they give up* owh... but where is that?" and so it goes.... therefore, the pressure is really on to perform well so that the school will not treat us as the 2nd class students we are assumed to be. the PRESTIGIOUS institution can be 2nd class for all i care. but i will NOT allow myself to be regarded as such. my pride will NOT allow it. thus began, the almighty suck-up job to please the powers that be. but in all honesty, it was not at ALL a 5-cents experience.
to summarise four months of being on the job is quite impossible. there are things that i will ramble too much about, and others that i just wouldn't have been able to recall, no matter how significant it MAY have or SHOULD have been... but let's scroll through the highlights, in no particular order... my first class with the 2 Teratai... owh, how nostalgic... there was a kid who reminded me of Deen, there was one who got my flirt juices flowing... a junior version of Alyn, the goodies from the hostel ... the KONON taiko's (who raise a whole LOT of hell, but cringe when you so much as raise your voice a fraction of a decibel)... and many other kinds of characters that you can only find in school. my first crappy observation. the gossip time at the teacher's canteen lounge. the sort of heart-to-heart with Kak Shah n Pn Tan. the sketch on road safety with 2 Teratai. PE, also with 2 Teratai, and 1 Anggerik (how cute) and 2 Melati (them blood-boilers). dozing off in a meeting while sitting right in FRONT of the PK Koko (in my defense, it WAS gibberish...) NOT HANDING IN OUR RECORD FILES (god bless us all). and just to close the paragraph, the last lesson spent singing, shouting, taking pics and just telling the kids, thank you for the wonderful experience.
so, all that plus the behind the scenes shockers, the departing tear-jerkers, the thank yous, the we'll miss yous, the come back soons, yeah, the self needs a well earned break. this is not something for the light hearted. LITERALLY. i have the highest of respect for teachers, for the problem with our education does not lie with them. if anything, they are as much the victims of the fickle policies put in place by the certain idiots as our children. but whenever the children don't perform to expectations, the brunt of the blame is against teachers. WTH? i don't know what i feel about coming back to a school to teach. but at the moment, i'm in the frame of mind to take a pot at what the media has to offer me. i already completed my end of the bargain to get myself a degree... ALMOST THERE. therefore, i have free rein to dabble in something that i have always marveled at. thank you SMKDU. for you not only gave me lessons in teaching... you also gave me a valuable lesson about life.
so, all that plus the behind the scenes shockers, the departing tear-jerkers, the thank yous, the we'll miss yous, the come back soons, yeah, the self needs a well earned break. this is not something for the light hearted. LITERALLY. i have the highest of respect for teachers, for the problem with our education does not lie with them. if anything, they are as much the victims of the fickle policies put in place by the certain idiots as our children. but whenever the children don't perform to expectations, the brunt of the blame is against teachers. WTH? i don't know what i feel about coming back to a school to teach. but at the moment, i'm in the frame of mind to take a pot at what the media has to offer me. i already completed my end of the bargain to get myself a degree... ALMOST THERE. therefore, i have free rein to dabble in something that i have always marveled at. thank you SMKDU. for you not only gave me lessons in teaching... you also gave me a valuable lesson about life.
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
a week to savour
it won't be a week that i'll forget for a long time, that's for sure... man united lost to liverpool in the most disgusting manner i've ever seen for a long time. then love came knocking on my door again. mood meter WHOOSH! upwards! as Zaiem told me 'dude, it's been a long time coming, what the hell, make the leap... see where u two end up'. He just erased my fears, if not my doubts. off she went to France for two weeks, and well, i did my own soul-searching. then those doubts killed themselves in the end. she came back, i was ready, i'm pretty sure she was too. and so, a sad monday because of football became the BEST monday of my life because of her. i love you, Nana. =D
exam week in school was also really cool. save for 2 incidents of cheating, (really these kids are AMATEURS) it was a nice experience participating in an examination from the opposite end of the field. it felt really good to watch these kids torture themselves, wrack their brains, twirl their pens, erase their answers only to circle the same ones over and over again. not to mention giving hopeful peeks to the tables around them to see if their friends are struggling just like they are and getting bitterly disappointed because their pals have already dozed off having completed their own papers. nostalgic. there are also those silent, little moments of prayer when they're really asking God to not let the paper kill them instead of asking for blessings. i know i did whenever i sat for an exam. you're NEVER ready to sit down and face that paper. u just read up, hoping that what you read will stay in your head long enough to be poured back onto those empty sheets. it's like cupping water in your hands and hoping that it doesn't trickle away.
work-wise, it's been very relaxing this week. no lessons to plan, no books(except papers) to mark, no heat-stroke-inducing assemblies to attend. it's just handing out papers, torturing students mentally, collecting their answers and relaxing in the air-conditioned staff room. but on the other hand, there's my term paper which i plan to squeeze in everything by the 25th of March. owh, bless me please dear God. let me do enough to pass, and graduate.
owh god, i'm already 23. it's like the walls are inching in mercilessly. the weight of responsibility. responsibility to myself, the old folks, and to laying the foundations to stand on my own two feet. to say that i have no idea what i'm going to do once i finish my studies is a MAJOR understatement. should i be in JB or KL? the answer, personally, is quite obvious. but i cannot leave my folks here by themselves can i? once i've decided where i should be, what should i do? teach? lecture? tutor? write? if it's KL, should i audition? join the backstage crew? should i risk the ups and downs and uncertainties of THAT industry? plus the question of repaying everything i owe... owh god, my bro in law told of a friend of his who already had a publicly listed company at 23... i'm at the same age and all i've got is a canyon of some puluh-ribu to fill up. FUCK MY LIFE.
nevertheless, i couldn't stop myself from turning 23. i went out on birthday eve, spent some lovey dovey time with Nana. Hakim and Fyqa were there too. Nana gave me a Santa Barbara shirt and a CD compilation of her favourite tunes for my car. i'm still hoping my parents will agree to that BlackBerry for me. *fingers twisted, not crossed* Zaiem's gonna get me a birthday drink, i can't wait!! we had the usual barbecue at home, but i enjoyed it anyway. because i was HOME. nothing beats that feeling. the feeling of being home, in the company of the people you've been with for the major part of 23 years and the people who are a major part of your life, no matter how shortly they've been with you. i sorely hoped that Nana could've been there, but she had to go back to KL earlier, so that's alright... Sigh... this is gona be a huge year. i can feel it. i just hope i won't get overwhelmed by it. happy birthday to me. =)
exam week in school was also really cool. save for 2 incidents of cheating, (really these kids are AMATEURS) it was a nice experience participating in an examination from the opposite end of the field. it felt really good to watch these kids torture themselves, wrack their brains, twirl their pens, erase their answers only to circle the same ones over and over again. not to mention giving hopeful peeks to the tables around them to see if their friends are struggling just like they are and getting bitterly disappointed because their pals have already dozed off having completed their own papers. nostalgic. there are also those silent, little moments of prayer when they're really asking God to not let the paper kill them instead of asking for blessings. i know i did whenever i sat for an exam. you're NEVER ready to sit down and face that paper. u just read up, hoping that what you read will stay in your head long enough to be poured back onto those empty sheets. it's like cupping water in your hands and hoping that it doesn't trickle away.
work-wise, it's been very relaxing this week. no lessons to plan, no books(except papers) to mark, no heat-stroke-inducing assemblies to attend. it's just handing out papers, torturing students mentally, collecting their answers and relaxing in the air-conditioned staff room. but on the other hand, there's my term paper which i plan to squeeze in everything by the 25th of March. owh, bless me please dear God. let me do enough to pass, and graduate.
owh god, i'm already 23. it's like the walls are inching in mercilessly. the weight of responsibility. responsibility to myself, the old folks, and to laying the foundations to stand on my own two feet. to say that i have no idea what i'm going to do once i finish my studies is a MAJOR understatement. should i be in JB or KL? the answer, personally, is quite obvious. but i cannot leave my folks here by themselves can i? once i've decided where i should be, what should i do? teach? lecture? tutor? write? if it's KL, should i audition? join the backstage crew? should i risk the ups and downs and uncertainties of THAT industry? plus the question of repaying everything i owe... owh god, my bro in law told of a friend of his who already had a publicly listed company at 23... i'm at the same age and all i've got is a canyon of some puluh-ribu to fill up. FUCK MY LIFE.
nevertheless, i couldn't stop myself from turning 23. i went out on birthday eve, spent some lovey dovey time with Nana. Hakim and Fyqa were there too. Nana gave me a Santa Barbara shirt and a CD compilation of her favourite tunes for my car. i'm still hoping my parents will agree to that BlackBerry for me. *fingers twisted, not crossed* Zaiem's gonna get me a birthday drink, i can't wait!! we had the usual barbecue at home, but i enjoyed it anyway. because i was HOME. nothing beats that feeling. the feeling of being home, in the company of the people you've been with for the major part of 23 years and the people who are a major part of your life, no matter how shortly they've been with you. i sorely hoped that Nana could've been there, but she had to go back to KL earlier, so that's alright... Sigh... this is gona be a huge year. i can feel it. i just hope i won't get overwhelmed by it. happy birthday to me. =)
Friday, 4 March 2011
sigh...
for all it's excitement and nerves, my observation was postponed to next week. on top of that, i'm getting a bit of stick for the noise that's permeating from my classes. and the icing on the cake? because of that ONE lesson that went awry and couldn't be completed, i ended up not giving enough work to the students and it's gonna be affecting their formative scores. owh hell yeah.
first things first... the noise from my class SHOULDN'T be an issue. it's MY fuckin class. MY fuckin lesson. MY fuckin business. they were singing a song they wrote for themselves and were whoopin with joy. but no, 'You're disturbing other classes and the other teachers can't teach'... well SCREW THAT! i can't help it if my lessons are fun and distracting students from your lecture about the equator and its weird weather patterns.
next, i feel so bad that i'm looking like i haven't done enough work with the students. if only that ONE lesson on alcoholism had worked, i would've had the necessary amount of work to be given complete! instead, there's only one of each and a TONNE of grammar. no, i'm not a grammarian but i thought that since we were chasing a scheme of work, i just doled on with the other ones after the failed lesson. when i went to apologise to Kak Shah about it, she had that look which said everything. "ingatkan ada potential, rupanya keje mcm haram"... owh god bless... BUCK UP!!!
i'm also considering if i should extend my term paper to do it on my own, OR should i get the necessary assistance to speed things up and squeeze things by april anyway? extending would give me time to concentrate on it fully without the distractions of teacher duty, but didn't i have more than ample time before practicum started? yes, i definitely did but a term paper really isn't something i would lift a finger to do. but i can't graduate without one! if i had ample time to do as much as i can before, and DIDN'T, what difference will it make if i buy myself more time by extending? which leaves me with the next option of getting some assistance... but that will weigh very heavily on my conscience... i just wish i could go to bed tonight and it'll be next to my pillow the next morning i wake up. it's just nonsensical.
i know for a fact that i will try my hand at something else once my studies are over. i cannot put myself in a job where i have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my personal life to give way to my work. only if i am passionate about it, then the JOB will be part of my personal life. tiring as it may be, i won't be feeling this much strain. ideally, i'd like a job where i can go to work, leave it there and never bring it home. at home, i'll be free to have my tv, my whisky, my make-out time, my golf, my lepaks, basically ME TIME. and i can't have that as a teacher. it's literally burning yourself out, not for the benefit of others, but for your own paycheque. i'm not looking down on the teaching profession. my mother is one. it is one of the noblest things to be a dedicated teacher. i just know i can't be one. not when i feel it as so much more as a chore instead of a pleasure.
god bless teachers all over the world. for the world never truly realises the shit you all go through to mould children into what they want to be.
first things first... the noise from my class SHOULDN'T be an issue. it's MY fuckin class. MY fuckin lesson. MY fuckin business. they were singing a song they wrote for themselves and were whoopin with joy. but no, 'You're disturbing other classes and the other teachers can't teach'... well SCREW THAT! i can't help it if my lessons are fun and distracting students from your lecture about the equator and its weird weather patterns.
next, i feel so bad that i'm looking like i haven't done enough work with the students. if only that ONE lesson on alcoholism had worked, i would've had the necessary amount of work to be given complete! instead, there's only one of each and a TONNE of grammar. no, i'm not a grammarian but i thought that since we were chasing a scheme of work, i just doled on with the other ones after the failed lesson. when i went to apologise to Kak Shah about it, she had that look which said everything. "ingatkan ada potential, rupanya keje mcm haram"... owh god bless... BUCK UP!!!
i'm also considering if i should extend my term paper to do it on my own, OR should i get the necessary assistance to speed things up and squeeze things by april anyway? extending would give me time to concentrate on it fully without the distractions of teacher duty, but didn't i have more than ample time before practicum started? yes, i definitely did but a term paper really isn't something i would lift a finger to do. but i can't graduate without one! if i had ample time to do as much as i can before, and DIDN'T, what difference will it make if i buy myself more time by extending? which leaves me with the next option of getting some assistance... but that will weigh very heavily on my conscience... i just wish i could go to bed tonight and it'll be next to my pillow the next morning i wake up. it's just nonsensical.
i know for a fact that i will try my hand at something else once my studies are over. i cannot put myself in a job where i have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my personal life to give way to my work. only if i am passionate about it, then the JOB will be part of my personal life. tiring as it may be, i won't be feeling this much strain. ideally, i'd like a job where i can go to work, leave it there and never bring it home. at home, i'll be free to have my tv, my whisky, my make-out time, my golf, my lepaks, basically ME TIME. and i can't have that as a teacher. it's literally burning yourself out, not for the benefit of others, but for your own paycheque. i'm not looking down on the teaching profession. my mother is one. it is one of the noblest things to be a dedicated teacher. i just know i can't be one. not when i feel it as so much more as a chore instead of a pleasure.
god bless teachers all over the world. for the world never truly realises the shit you all go through to mould children into what they want to be.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
observing is blissfully more fulfilling than being observed
my first observation is tomorrow! owh, how nervous i am... kak shah actually said last week that she would only begin observing after the first school examination of the year, but this afternoon, after the daily assembly, she just casually told me 'Ayie, esok kak shah observe you and Thria k?' my mouth, in it's typical actor self went super cheerful 'OK! No problem!' my insides just froze despite the 35 degree Malaysian heat. bloody hell, talk about U-turns... this beats Rooney's debacle with Man United earlier in the season! i hope i won't fumble unnecessarily, and i can only pray that 2 Teratai will rise to the occasion tomorrow afternoon. i can't say i HATE teaching. the little smiles on students who enjoy your lesson are really rewarding. BUT, the tedious preparation process AND the unnecessary things that draw a teacher away from his/her core business are serious turn-offs.
with a subject like English where these students are as GOOD as they are, there really is NO POINT in drilling them through exams and grammar exercises. with their mastery of the language, they should be guided towards EXPRESSING themselves, albeit in a regulated and controlled environment. challenge them with modern-day issues and expand their minds! it takes them away from the drab, fact-busting and formula-memorizing bore of geography, history, religious studies, maths and science. let them develop their soft skills like tact, manners in situations that require them to sing, act out and exchange opinions (like seriously exchange opinions) on issues that matter. i stand in front of these bright youngsters and their knowledge of the world seems limited to Justin Bieber and K-Pop.
there seems to be so much more that these boys and girls are ignorant about... great individuals around the world, NOT just our beloved Tunku Rahman and Dr M. no offence to our local greats, but i just believe that our young minds are being narrowed instead of expanded... and it's all about passing exams or they won't get jobs... i realise this is going much bigger than education itself, but that's just how i feel. education shouldn't be about passing an exam to get a job. it should be about development of self. which brings me back to my earlier post where i advocated mastering something from an early age instead of creating humans so well-rounded.
but nonetheless, my idealistic views will never materialise and my rants will not change the system. so, let's make the best of what we have and still uphold our ideals. i shall try that now by planning my lesson that will be observed tomorrow. good night!
with a subject like English where these students are as GOOD as they are, there really is NO POINT in drilling them through exams and grammar exercises. with their mastery of the language, they should be guided towards EXPRESSING themselves, albeit in a regulated and controlled environment. challenge them with modern-day issues and expand their minds! it takes them away from the drab, fact-busting and formula-memorizing bore of geography, history, religious studies, maths and science. let them develop their soft skills like tact, manners in situations that require them to sing, act out and exchange opinions (like seriously exchange opinions) on issues that matter. i stand in front of these bright youngsters and their knowledge of the world seems limited to Justin Bieber and K-Pop.
there seems to be so much more that these boys and girls are ignorant about... great individuals around the world, NOT just our beloved Tunku Rahman and Dr M. no offence to our local greats, but i just believe that our young minds are being narrowed instead of expanded... and it's all about passing exams or they won't get jobs... i realise this is going much bigger than education itself, but that's just how i feel. education shouldn't be about passing an exam to get a job. it should be about development of self. which brings me back to my earlier post where i advocated mastering something from an early age instead of creating humans so well-rounded.
but nonetheless, my idealistic views will never materialise and my rants will not change the system. so, let's make the best of what we have and still uphold our ideals. i shall try that now by planning my lesson that will be observed tomorrow. good night!
well well well...
it's 1.43am in the morning KL time... i'm not in the mood to go to school, i'm not in the mood to be in school, i'm not in the mood to face 34 kids who KNOW for a fact that they're smarter than me and feel like they're forced to endure a subject entitled 'STUPIDITY 101' with Mr Ayie. i'm missing someone like hell at the moment, i'm having a mountain of work to finish before i can even HOPE to whisper the word GRADUATION this coming April. there is no point in all this studying, for we will all be groping in the dark when we begin working anyway. schooling life should be kept to the bare minimum of learning the tactful use of language and the ability to calculate basic algebra. EVERYTHING else should be made optional for a student to choose his or her path, with the guiding (or rather shoving) hands of parents who think their child should be this, or that. i'm saying that kids, even at their tender ages of 10 or below, should be given the chance to hone their SPECIFIC talents. save teachers the trouble of having to deal with students who DON'T WANT to be in their classes and learn their subjects. STOP trying to create students who have MULTIPLE talents. people are born to be jacks of several trades, but they're also born to be MASTERS OF ONE! so why not start honing them to master ONE thing and let them learn to be jacks on their own volition eh? it'll save students from confusion, it'll save teachers from DEPRESSION! good night.
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