sigh...

for all it's excitement and nerves, my observation was postponed to next week. on top of that, i'm getting a bit of stick for the noise that's permeating from my classes. and the icing on the cake? because of that ONE lesson that went awry and couldn't be completed, i ended up not giving enough work to the students and it's gonna be affecting their formative scores. owh hell yeah.

first things first... the noise from my class SHOULDN'T be an issue. it's MY fuckin class. MY fuckin lesson. MY fuckin business. they were singing a song they wrote for themselves and were whoopin with joy. but no, 'You're disturbing other classes and the other teachers can't teach'... well SCREW THAT! i can't help it if my lessons are fun and distracting students from your lecture about the equator and its weird weather patterns.

next, i feel so bad that i'm looking like i haven't done enough work with the students. if only that ONE lesson on alcoholism had worked, i would've had the necessary amount of work to be given complete! instead, there's only one of each and a TONNE of grammar. no, i'm not a grammarian but i thought that since we were chasing a scheme of work, i just doled on with the other ones after the failed lesson. when i went to apologise to Kak Shah about it, she had that look which said everything. "ingatkan ada potential, rupanya keje mcm haram"... owh god bless... BUCK UP!!!

i'm also considering if i should extend my term paper to do it on my own, OR should i get the necessary assistance to speed things up and squeeze things by april anyway? extending would give me time to concentrate on it fully without the distractions of teacher duty, but didn't i have more than ample time before practicum started? yes, i definitely did but a term paper really isn't something i would lift a finger to do. but i can't graduate without one! if i had ample time to do as much as i can before, and DIDN'T, what difference will it make if i buy myself more time by extending? which leaves me with the next option of getting some assistance... but that will weigh very heavily on my conscience... i just wish i could go to bed tonight and it'll be next to my pillow the next morning i wake up. it's just nonsensical.

i know for a fact that i will try my hand at something else once my studies are over. i cannot put myself in a job where i have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my personal life to give way to my work. only if i am passionate about it, then the JOB will be part of my personal life. tiring as it may be, i won't be feeling this much strain. ideally, i'd like a job where i can go to work, leave it there and never bring it home. at home, i'll be free to have my tv, my whisky, my make-out time, my golf, my lepaks, basically ME TIME. and i can't have that as a teacher. it's literally burning yourself out, not for the benefit of others, but for your own paycheque. i'm not looking down on the teaching profession. my mother is one. it is one of the noblest things to be a dedicated teacher. i just know i can't be one. not when i feel it as so much more as a chore instead of a pleasure.

god bless teachers all over the world. for the world never truly realises the shit you all go through to mould children into what they want to be.