it won't be a week that i'll forget for a long time, that's for sure... man united lost to liverpool in the most disgusting manner i've ever seen for a long time. then love came knocking on my door again. mood meter WHOOSH! upwards! as Zaiem told me 'dude, it's been a long time coming, what the hell, make the leap... see where u two end up'. He just erased my fears, if not my doubts. off she went to France for two weeks, and well, i did my own soul-searching. then those doubts killed themselves in the end. she came back, i was ready, i'm pretty sure she was too. and so, a sad monday because of football became the BEST monday of my life because of her. i love you, Nana. =D
exam week in school was also really cool. save for 2 incidents of cheating, (really these kids are AMATEURS) it was a nice experience participating in an examination from the opposite end of the field. it felt really good to watch these kids torture themselves, wrack their brains, twirl their pens, erase their answers only to circle the same ones over and over again. not to mention giving hopeful peeks to the tables around them to see if their friends are struggling just like they are and getting bitterly disappointed because their pals have already dozed off having completed their own papers. nostalgic. there are also those silent, little moments of prayer when they're really asking God to not let the paper kill them instead of asking for blessings. i know i did whenever i sat for an exam. you're NEVER ready to sit down and face that paper. u just read up, hoping that what you read will stay in your head long enough to be poured back onto those empty sheets. it's like cupping water in your hands and hoping that it doesn't trickle away.
work-wise, it's been very relaxing this week. no lessons to plan, no books(except papers) to mark, no heat-stroke-inducing assemblies to attend. it's just handing out papers, torturing students mentally, collecting their answers and relaxing in the air-conditioned staff room. but on the other hand, there's my term paper which i plan to squeeze in everything by the 25th of March. owh, bless me please dear God. let me do enough to pass, and graduate.
owh god, i'm already 23. it's like the walls are inching in mercilessly. the weight of responsibility. responsibility to myself, the old folks, and to laying the foundations to stand on my own two feet. to say that i have no idea what i'm going to do once i finish my studies is a MAJOR understatement. should i be in JB or KL? the answer, personally, is quite obvious. but i cannot leave my folks here by themselves can i? once i've decided where i should be, what should i do? teach? lecture? tutor? write? if it's KL, should i audition? join the backstage crew? should i risk the ups and downs and uncertainties of THAT industry? plus the question of repaying everything i owe... owh god, my bro in law told of a friend of his who already had a publicly listed company at 23... i'm at the same age and all i've got is a canyon of some puluh-ribu to fill up. FUCK MY LIFE.
nevertheless, i couldn't stop myself from turning 23. i went out on birthday eve, spent some lovey dovey time with Nana. Hakim and Fyqa were there too. Nana gave me a Santa Barbara shirt and a CD compilation of her favourite tunes for my car. i'm still hoping my parents will agree to that BlackBerry for me. *fingers twisted, not crossed* Zaiem's gonna get me a birthday drink, i can't wait!! we had the usual barbecue at home, but i enjoyed it anyway. because i was HOME. nothing beats that feeling. the feeling of being home, in the company of the people you've been with for the major part of 23 years and the people who are a major part of your life, no matter how shortly they've been with you. i sorely hoped that Nana could've been there, but she had to go back to KL earlier, so that's alright... Sigh... this is gona be a huge year. i can feel it. i just hope i won't get overwhelmed by it. happy birthday to me. =)
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Friday, 4 March 2011
sigh...
for all it's excitement and nerves, my observation was postponed to next week. on top of that, i'm getting a bit of stick for the noise that's permeating from my classes. and the icing on the cake? because of that ONE lesson that went awry and couldn't be completed, i ended up not giving enough work to the students and it's gonna be affecting their formative scores. owh hell yeah.
first things first... the noise from my class SHOULDN'T be an issue. it's MY fuckin class. MY fuckin lesson. MY fuckin business. they were singing a song they wrote for themselves and were whoopin with joy. but no, 'You're disturbing other classes and the other teachers can't teach'... well SCREW THAT! i can't help it if my lessons are fun and distracting students from your lecture about the equator and its weird weather patterns.
next, i feel so bad that i'm looking like i haven't done enough work with the students. if only that ONE lesson on alcoholism had worked, i would've had the necessary amount of work to be given complete! instead, there's only one of each and a TONNE of grammar. no, i'm not a grammarian but i thought that since we were chasing a scheme of work, i just doled on with the other ones after the failed lesson. when i went to apologise to Kak Shah about it, she had that look which said everything. "ingatkan ada potential, rupanya keje mcm haram"... owh god bless... BUCK UP!!!
i'm also considering if i should extend my term paper to do it on my own, OR should i get the necessary assistance to speed things up and squeeze things by april anyway? extending would give me time to concentrate on it fully without the distractions of teacher duty, but didn't i have more than ample time before practicum started? yes, i definitely did but a term paper really isn't something i would lift a finger to do. but i can't graduate without one! if i had ample time to do as much as i can before, and DIDN'T, what difference will it make if i buy myself more time by extending? which leaves me with the next option of getting some assistance... but that will weigh very heavily on my conscience... i just wish i could go to bed tonight and it'll be next to my pillow the next morning i wake up. it's just nonsensical.
i know for a fact that i will try my hand at something else once my studies are over. i cannot put myself in a job where i have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my personal life to give way to my work. only if i am passionate about it, then the JOB will be part of my personal life. tiring as it may be, i won't be feeling this much strain. ideally, i'd like a job where i can go to work, leave it there and never bring it home. at home, i'll be free to have my tv, my whisky, my make-out time, my golf, my lepaks, basically ME TIME. and i can't have that as a teacher. it's literally burning yourself out, not for the benefit of others, but for your own paycheque. i'm not looking down on the teaching profession. my mother is one. it is one of the noblest things to be a dedicated teacher. i just know i can't be one. not when i feel it as so much more as a chore instead of a pleasure.
god bless teachers all over the world. for the world never truly realises the shit you all go through to mould children into what they want to be.
first things first... the noise from my class SHOULDN'T be an issue. it's MY fuckin class. MY fuckin lesson. MY fuckin business. they were singing a song they wrote for themselves and were whoopin with joy. but no, 'You're disturbing other classes and the other teachers can't teach'... well SCREW THAT! i can't help it if my lessons are fun and distracting students from your lecture about the equator and its weird weather patterns.
next, i feel so bad that i'm looking like i haven't done enough work with the students. if only that ONE lesson on alcoholism had worked, i would've had the necessary amount of work to be given complete! instead, there's only one of each and a TONNE of grammar. no, i'm not a grammarian but i thought that since we were chasing a scheme of work, i just doled on with the other ones after the failed lesson. when i went to apologise to Kak Shah about it, she had that look which said everything. "ingatkan ada potential, rupanya keje mcm haram"... owh god bless... BUCK UP!!!
i'm also considering if i should extend my term paper to do it on my own, OR should i get the necessary assistance to speed things up and squeeze things by april anyway? extending would give me time to concentrate on it fully without the distractions of teacher duty, but didn't i have more than ample time before practicum started? yes, i definitely did but a term paper really isn't something i would lift a finger to do. but i can't graduate without one! if i had ample time to do as much as i can before, and DIDN'T, what difference will it make if i buy myself more time by extending? which leaves me with the next option of getting some assistance... but that will weigh very heavily on my conscience... i just wish i could go to bed tonight and it'll be next to my pillow the next morning i wake up. it's just nonsensical.
i know for a fact that i will try my hand at something else once my studies are over. i cannot put myself in a job where i have to sacrifice SO MUCH of my personal life to give way to my work. only if i am passionate about it, then the JOB will be part of my personal life. tiring as it may be, i won't be feeling this much strain. ideally, i'd like a job where i can go to work, leave it there and never bring it home. at home, i'll be free to have my tv, my whisky, my make-out time, my golf, my lepaks, basically ME TIME. and i can't have that as a teacher. it's literally burning yourself out, not for the benefit of others, but for your own paycheque. i'm not looking down on the teaching profession. my mother is one. it is one of the noblest things to be a dedicated teacher. i just know i can't be one. not when i feel it as so much more as a chore instead of a pleasure.
god bless teachers all over the world. for the world never truly realises the shit you all go through to mould children into what they want to be.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
observing is blissfully more fulfilling than being observed
my first observation is tomorrow! owh, how nervous i am... kak shah actually said last week that she would only begin observing after the first school examination of the year, but this afternoon, after the daily assembly, she just casually told me 'Ayie, esok kak shah observe you and Thria k?' my mouth, in it's typical actor self went super cheerful 'OK! No problem!' my insides just froze despite the 35 degree Malaysian heat. bloody hell, talk about U-turns... this beats Rooney's debacle with Man United earlier in the season! i hope i won't fumble unnecessarily, and i can only pray that 2 Teratai will rise to the occasion tomorrow afternoon. i can't say i HATE teaching. the little smiles on students who enjoy your lesson are really rewarding. BUT, the tedious preparation process AND the unnecessary things that draw a teacher away from his/her core business are serious turn-offs.
with a subject like English where these students are as GOOD as they are, there really is NO POINT in drilling them through exams and grammar exercises. with their mastery of the language, they should be guided towards EXPRESSING themselves, albeit in a regulated and controlled environment. challenge them with modern-day issues and expand their minds! it takes them away from the drab, fact-busting and formula-memorizing bore of geography, history, religious studies, maths and science. let them develop their soft skills like tact, manners in situations that require them to sing, act out and exchange opinions (like seriously exchange opinions) on issues that matter. i stand in front of these bright youngsters and their knowledge of the world seems limited to Justin Bieber and K-Pop.
there seems to be so much more that these boys and girls are ignorant about... great individuals around the world, NOT just our beloved Tunku Rahman and Dr M. no offence to our local greats, but i just believe that our young minds are being narrowed instead of expanded... and it's all about passing exams or they won't get jobs... i realise this is going much bigger than education itself, but that's just how i feel. education shouldn't be about passing an exam to get a job. it should be about development of self. which brings me back to my earlier post where i advocated mastering something from an early age instead of creating humans so well-rounded.
but nonetheless, my idealistic views will never materialise and my rants will not change the system. so, let's make the best of what we have and still uphold our ideals. i shall try that now by planning my lesson that will be observed tomorrow. good night!
with a subject like English where these students are as GOOD as they are, there really is NO POINT in drilling them through exams and grammar exercises. with their mastery of the language, they should be guided towards EXPRESSING themselves, albeit in a regulated and controlled environment. challenge them with modern-day issues and expand their minds! it takes them away from the drab, fact-busting and formula-memorizing bore of geography, history, religious studies, maths and science. let them develop their soft skills like tact, manners in situations that require them to sing, act out and exchange opinions (like seriously exchange opinions) on issues that matter. i stand in front of these bright youngsters and their knowledge of the world seems limited to Justin Bieber and K-Pop.
there seems to be so much more that these boys and girls are ignorant about... great individuals around the world, NOT just our beloved Tunku Rahman and Dr M. no offence to our local greats, but i just believe that our young minds are being narrowed instead of expanded... and it's all about passing exams or they won't get jobs... i realise this is going much bigger than education itself, but that's just how i feel. education shouldn't be about passing an exam to get a job. it should be about development of self. which brings me back to my earlier post where i advocated mastering something from an early age instead of creating humans so well-rounded.
but nonetheless, my idealistic views will never materialise and my rants will not change the system. so, let's make the best of what we have and still uphold our ideals. i shall try that now by planning my lesson that will be observed tomorrow. good night!
well well well...
it's 1.43am in the morning KL time... i'm not in the mood to go to school, i'm not in the mood to be in school, i'm not in the mood to face 34 kids who KNOW for a fact that they're smarter than me and feel like they're forced to endure a subject entitled 'STUPIDITY 101' with Mr Ayie. i'm missing someone like hell at the moment, i'm having a mountain of work to finish before i can even HOPE to whisper the word GRADUATION this coming April. there is no point in all this studying, for we will all be groping in the dark when we begin working anyway. schooling life should be kept to the bare minimum of learning the tactful use of language and the ability to calculate basic algebra. EVERYTHING else should be made optional for a student to choose his or her path, with the guiding (or rather shoving) hands of parents who think their child should be this, or that. i'm saying that kids, even at their tender ages of 10 or below, should be given the chance to hone their SPECIFIC talents. save teachers the trouble of having to deal with students who DON'T WANT to be in their classes and learn their subjects. STOP trying to create students who have MULTIPLE talents. people are born to be jacks of several trades, but they're also born to be MASTERS OF ONE! so why not start honing them to master ONE thing and let them learn to be jacks on their own volition eh? it'll save students from confusion, it'll save teachers from DEPRESSION! good night.
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