dear me...

i sit and type everyday, telling the country, perhaps world, stories of what goes on in and around the country,  and have them either tell me i did a good job(rarely), that i need to improve here and there(quite often, but that's good because i learn), or it just passes by without anyone noticing.

such is news. we painstakingly think up an intro, put the facts in order, then be made to look like a fool by editors because i'm such a noob, then up the story goes on air for about ONE bloody minute, and it just flashes by. one days work for a minute's presentation.

i can't remember the last time i actually sat down to get in tune with myself over the keyboard.

it has been one hell of a year at work. it has been one hell of a year in my personal life too.

i just don't know where to begin, and so, as the name of my blog so aptly captures, i shall exercise my right to ramble.

i feel a certain kind of emptiness. a kind of empty that really can't be explained, defined, described.

i had a good love life, i shall stress HAD. and she's still a very very special and dear friend, despite all the emotions, and tribulations of dealing with those emotions. i sometimes wished the break-up was a bad one, so it'll be easier to get through my days.

but thankfully, though i lost some kind of romance, i never lost a friend. and that means much more to me.

i enjoy my job. i love it. the going out, meeting people, talking to them, getting up close n personal. but the stories i do are to serve the purposes of the company. i have yet to find a beat that i can truly call a beat.

i used to think that i could walk into the sports desk and reel off names of every superstar there is. turns out i am sorely mistaken. thank god i didn't stick my head that far out.

i work in the general desk, and cover anything that i'm asked to. from politicians, to loan shark victims, to funerals, and the occasional crime.

what do i enjoy writing about most? after one whole year, i honestly still don't know. apart from my ramblings, i really don't know.

thankfully though, i have had the good fortune to meet good people. and recapture some fun moments with old friends.

living alone here is the toughest thing. it's one thing to be a student away from home, very much another to be earning your wages away from it.

as a student, you can ask for extra allowances without batting an eyelid. as a wage-earner, it becomes so so demoralising.

i guess that's one source of the emptiness or the slight unhappiness that i feel. i love my job, but my friends on the other side of the atlantic doing the same job are earning comfortably more than i do. which gives me a real sucky feeling.

because i wanted to be there, i asked to be there, i hoped to be there. but for reasons that i might not know till my last breath, i was put here. where i feel like i cant string two sentences together without feeling like an absolute douche.

let's see how my fortunes change after the general election. insyaAllah.

i have never been one to put criterion on the kind of girls that i would like to go out with.

but i guess i just didn't know what i wanted in the beginning... it was all about just trying anyone i fancied.

now i sort of have an idea... a general idea. that she must be able to cook, and learn mum's cooking. that she must be able to be the better home-maker than me. that her priorities would be her children, me and ONLY THEN her career. will it matter if she earns more than i do? as long as she takes care of me and the children well, i don't give a flying fuck how much she earns.

earn all the money you can my love, as long as you can take care of me and the children while doing so. i also hope that she has a stable family background, though i know every family has their fair share of skeletons in the closet, basement, ceiling and in the walls. as long as agreeing to disagree can be practiced.

i think i've rambled enough for one night. please don't think that everything i say tonight, will be the same in my head tomorrow. some might stay, some might change, some might be totally forgotten, until i go through this post again and wonder what made me say such things in the first place.

god bless, and good night.